Hello to Everyone Except for Annoying People at Weddings
Going to a wedding is always a blast, three tiers of ridiculously expensive cake, open bar and tons of attractive single people available to be the next ones to walk down the aisle. But if you are a single woman, going to a wedding can be like entering the battlefield where you are trying to survive till the end of the night without being hit on by creepy older men or be given a talk about the sorrows of spinsterhood from your great aunt Sally. It is no uncommon to be at a wedding and be bombarded with statements about everything from your outfit to your waist size. So, after speaking to female friends of mine who have survived such situations, I have come up with a list of things one should try to avoid saying to single women at weddings.
I understand, it’s very tempting to tell a young woman enjoying her third glass of pinot noir that she’s the next one in line to be hitched so that you can have an excuse to fill up three plates of the cake at yet another wedding. But, maybe try and refrain from pressurizing young women into thinking about marriage especially when they’re still in the “binge-watched 4 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy over the weekend” phase. We understand that as females we are meant to have planned an entire wedding by the time we learn to speak. But I think in this day and age it’s time to realise that marriage is often not even one of the first five goals in a woman’s life.
You've Gained Weight!
Ahh, a classic. This one has been heard by several women at weddings, especially when they are reaching for a second serving of everything at the buffet. This often takes place in the form of commenting on a woman’s weight to let her know that it’s going to be a barrier between her and her dream hubby. Because, who values a good personality anymore right? Certainly, not me.
I’ve heard this comment a couple of times at weddings by one particular relative. He makes it a point to walk up to me at every family event and remind me how much I weigh, just in case I forgot. I’ve got to tip my hat to his consistency though, he has not missed a single wedding without telling me that in years.
Your Career Can Wait Until You've Settled Down
There are two things you can always expect from older Indian aunties at weddings, chunky jewellery and unsolicited advice. I’m sure all my fellow brown girls can relate to being given this one-liner by a relative so distant you couldn’t even remember which side of your family they’re from.
A friend of mine had heard this at a wedding recently. An older woman actually told her that despite her success as a surgeon, she needs to spend more time focusing on browsing the market for a husband. Aunty, the only thing my friend is going to be browsing for are the Louis Vuitton bags she can now afford to splurge on.
Your Ovaries Wait For No One
This is when you remind a woman in her 20’s that time flies fast but her eggs die even faster. So, hurry up and grab yourself an eligible bachelor before the clearance sale is over! I think in their early 20’s, women might put more of a conscious effort to avoid getting pregnant so that advice is irrelevant. And also, have you not heard of Janet Jackson giving birth at 50?! I’ve got another three decades, it’s all good.
My Son Is Single
Yes, and he is also a creep I swiped left on tinder last month, thank you very much *dodges your cupid’s bow*. This is the funniest thing I’ve seen happen at weddings. It’s like parents are using this event as an opportunity to market their offspring to any potential matches they can find.
I wonder if they have a radar telling them who looks single so they can quickly pitch their sons to them before any other parents grab the target. I enjoy playing along when this happens to me. It’s like when you get emails from the same companies every day, at one point you email them back just to see what happens. Spoiler alert: I am now marrying four different men in June, 2020.
You're Too Tall, How Will You Find a Man?
My personal favourite, where you remind me that a biological fact about my body that is completely out of my control is going to stop me from having my happily ever after. It’s alright Mrs. Fernandes, I will run wild with the giraffes until I die.
And honestly, I would much rather wait for a man as tall or taller than me, than give up heels for the rest of my life. So, thank you for that lovely statement, I will now go join the trees outside to find my potential husband there.
If you know someone who is prone to offering these sound bites at weddings to women who are just trying to have a good time, be sure to share this with them. But jokes aside, weddings are an amazing opportunity to just let loose and have a fun night with friends and family and of course to celebrate the union of people you care about. But often, as women we end up having to listening to people lecture us about how we should live the rest of our youth the ‘right way’ to attract a suitable mate.
It’s easy to feel a bit disheartened when someone tells you that you need to keep an eye on the sand timer. Because it feels like you’re being pressurized into something you’re not even ready for yet. I know I have had that feeling several times at weddings when these geniuses walk up to me and ruin my night. But to all my single ladies, let us blissfully ignore all these words of everything but wisdom and continue dancing the night away to Beyoncé’s classic anthem that will be played at all weddings for eternity.